Thu 2nd July 2009

One of the interesting things about keeping a blog is seeing the types of Google search terms that visitors have used to find your page. You can learn some surprising things about people by the types of web-pages they’ve visited prior to yours.

Today I discovered that someone from New York who had found this page after using the search terms “pubic hair”, “mother’s friend” and “cum” together. One can only make assumptions about what was being searched for, but imagine what a crushing disappointment it must have been when they came across this blog (perhaps ‘came across’ is a poor choice of wording, but you get what I mean). It is a big responsibility to consider you have ruined someone’s evening plans who you have never met, just by existing.

Had the searcher just been looking for “Mother’s Friend” and “pubic hair”, one could at least consider that they were maybe hunting out some type of thrush cream, “Mother’s Friend” probably being the kind of discreet but suggestive brand name that might have existed for such an application during the war. But there is little doubt this was a quest for salacious material to quench a specific perversion. The perversion itself is rather more ambiguous. Possibly someone rather fancied their mother’s friend, but didn’t know what their name was and had chanced upon the internet as a resource to find some compromising material about them. The dirty sod.

I decided to click the link to Google myself to follow the path of this curious American and his interest in “Mother’s friend”, “cum” and “pubic hair” (I know what you might be thinking – but this really was just for research purposes only and for no other reasons. I was definitely not motivated by any of my own lustful curiosities. I could see how yesterday’s blog entry wouldn’t bode too favourably towards my protestations of innocent intent; but for Christ-sakes, can’t you just let that one day go? You’re obsessed, man!)

I was interested about how “Days of Enlightenment” had managed to get itself categorized in alongside the keywords “Mother’s Friend”, “pubic hair” and “cum”. And sure enough, as I perused the Google search results, there was my humble blog. Go look for yourself (thankfully this links to the 3rd page of search results so I am not the top entry - which is a bit of a relief, as clearly it means I’m officially not the world’s biggest authority on matters involving “Mother’s friend”, “pubic hair” and “cum”. Unless the persistent use of the words, "Mother's friend", "cum" and "pubilc hair" in this entry has now tipped the balance and put me at the top-spot).

I was a little taken a-back by the little summary that Google had used underneath the link. It rather oddly quoted me as having written:-

“At some point during this feast, my mother's friend enquired about my own tearing my pubic hair out with own my bare hands in sheer, self-loathing.”

Now I had no recollection of my “mother’s friend enquiring about my tearing my own pubic hair out in sheer self-loathing” whatsoever. How could I have simply forgotten the occurrence of such a strange (and seemingly very dark) episode in my life? I had to click on the link to my own page just to refresh my own memory and check that something so traumatic hadn’t happened to me in the last couple of months, that it had been completely erased from my memory (as I have seen the film “The Machinist” and understand such things do happen). And in any case, I was curious as to who was this friend of my mother’s was, with whom I feel comfortable enough to openly discuss clinical levels of misanthropy and violent, depair-fuelled hair removal techniques from areas that should normally not be spoke of in the presence of a mother’s friend.

Thankfully, when I clicked on my own blog it turned out that this description was not from one specific event, but a rather unfortunately sequenced composite of a couple of different blog entries (from here and here). I believe my American friend may have found a misrepresented version of me. I was relieved that I had I still had my pubic hair but I also wonder if this is this how MP’s and celebrities feel when they go on about getting quoted out of context? I should probably sue Google for deformation of character.

Perhaps more worrying, is the fact that this American actually read this brief content description of my blog and actually decided to click on it. Had this sort of thing been exactly what he’d set out to look for all along? Does his ideal fantasy involve some lower-middle class bloke from England discussing ripping his pubic hair out over dinner with his mother’s friend? Had this been some sort of onanistic jackpot to him?

I think you’ll agree this is quite a revealing perversion to discover about someone. And yet someone had the audacity to leave a message on yesterday’s entry calling ME a grotty man! How ironic that you all thought you had free admission to some of the darker thoughts of my mind, yet all along I could have been staring at yours. Now that’s made you paranoid hasn’t it! At least you know how I feel on a day-to-day basis. We’ve all learned something today. Specifically, I’ve learned a new literary device for provoking an authentic new type of empathy between writer and reader. And you’ve learned about some of the strange perverted desires that Americans have.