Tue 13th Jan 2009

I've made good headway with my Hotmail account, having cleared out 241 Junk emails so far. The most frequently occurring emails seem to come from the online retailers Amazon. For those of you familiar with Amazon, you will know that once you have purchased something from the site, you automatically get a profile, which they use to email you with similar products you might be interested in. So if I bought say, a reissued album by arty post-punk types, The Nightingales, Amazon would then suggest I might enjoy The Fall, because of the genre similarity.

All ok in theory - but it doesn't really work.

Personally, a good percentage of my purchases are gifts for other people, so often the suggestions thrown up have absolutely no relevance to me. One minute, I'm being recommended the forthcoming album by up-and-coming doom-laden indie-synth pseudo-goths, White Lies. The next minute, I'm being recommended 'Stars' by Simply Red. The juxtaposition is too confusing. If I ever left my browser open and someone else saw the list, they'd think I was schizophrenic. Or worse still - grossly uncool.

This isn't the only flaw in their viral marketing strategies either. If I use Amazon to buy an electrical good, such as a printer, they assume I'll want other similar printers. They send me emails with titles such as "Amazon recommends the new HP Inkjet 2000 printer."

No thanks Amazon, I've already just bought an inkjet printer. Had you sent me your recommendation last week, it might have been quite helpful, but it's no use now, is it?

This silly thing is that on their behalf, this isn't even a faux pas. They seem fully aware of my recent printer purchase, even brazenly acknowledging it when I open the email. It'll say something along the lines of "We recommended this because you recently bought a Canon inkjet printer" - as if they're saying, "You like ink jet printers don't you."

It is true, I am quite keen on having an inkjet printer, but what do they imagine I need more inkjet printers for? Maybe they're thinking, "Here's another inkjet printer. Let's offer it to that man, you know, the one who LOVES inkjet printers".

It's actually quite an insult. Are they somehow trying to imply I have an unhealthy fascination with inkjet printers? Are they insinuating I am the sort of person who wants to buy inkjet printer after inkjet printer and set them all up together in my room, and lie on my bed furiously masturbating at the orchestrated cacophony of a dozen printers rattling themselves into alignment? I most certainly hope not. Otherwise I'll sue for libel (unless they can present me with substantial evidence of such behaviour).

Actually it's quite funny. Earlier I was worried about my involuntary Amazon recommendations revealing me as totally uncool. Yet ironically, it's just occurred I have now voluntarily written three consecutive blogs about computers, peripherals and websites. This officially makes me a nerd!

Someone had better pass the printer catalogue.